Venting

It’s so crazy how the noise of life gets to me, man. It’s like a chain reaction. One thing happens, another thing happens, and another thing happens. All planning to put you down and keep you down. Then, God steps in (finally😭) and your eyes are open and it’s like wow, I knew I was tripping but I didn’t know where to even begin to pick up the pieces. That’s me.

With every great triumph in my life, it’s always great distraction. At this point, I just want to be invisible (again) because that’s when I’m happiest. All of these people around me  I have surpassed. ALL OF THEM. And once again a loneliness factor sits in, but this time I’m not going to turn to an addiction, I will embrace the loneliness and turn to God.

I know I’m here for a purpose man. I just have to stay focused on the purpose but the noise of life is so distracting and that’s always my thing. I don’t have the desire to delete all of my social media like I have done in the past, I just have the desire to read more and be quiet and be gentle and softer and a light for Jesus. That’s all I want to do. That’s the only person that I want to be 😔

I came here and this month I’ve lived an entire life that’s not even conducive to the person that I want to be. I always have to meet the person that I used to be. It never fails. I am always forced to face the person that I have fought so hard to break away from. Me. Meet people that are just like the person that I used to be, let them into my life, have warnings about them, too afraid/don’t know how to cut it off immediately without just dropping off the face of the earth, getting involved, opening myself up to a plethora of distractions, fake friends, bad habits, like all of the demons come. I’m so tired of it.

Another reason why I just drop off the face of the earth because I don’t know how to deal. When I’m backed into a corner it’s like I’m shielded and God is fighting for me but when I get up and have to go outside, I don’t know how to live or who to be. I know how to succeed but I don’t know how to like be a human being with feelings and stuff because I always do the wrong thing… But this time I will be different, I will be better, and I will persevere. I know that God is here with me and that I am not alone in vain. I’m picking myself back up and grabbing hold to God’s unchanging hand and together we will get through this thing called life together.

 

Take care

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