Wow, time flies! I cannot believe that I have already completed my first year at Mississippi State University. In one academic school year, I have experienced so much loss but thanks to the goodness and the grace of God, I gained a better sense of self.
Where should I even begin?!?!?!
Before I could even get settled in good into my dorm, I met a boy who took me through a whirlwind of emotions. Since I have always been moving from state to state, I had never experienced a real day-to-day interaction with someone I considered to be a “boo” lol.. It’s terrible. By the end of my first month, I’d met another boy. I didn’t really like him, or any of them, at first but he grew on me. We’ll get back to that…
The school adjustment was very difficult. I created an Instagram before arriving so that I could follow people from Mississippi State just to get familiar with a few faces. Once I actually got there, I felt out of place. Everyone just stared at me and looked the other way. If they knew I was getting ready to pass a smile, they would try to divert their eyes elsewhere. Once I joined organizations, I felt a false sense of belonging.
I began my collegiate career as a business management major. The classes were boring and so were the teachers. I felt like my purpose had already been satisfied and now I was just going to school. My grades were terrible. I ended my semester with 2 D’s. Fortunately for me, they wouldn’t affect my NEW major. We’ll get back to that as well….
Back to the boys.
So , August-October I tried my best to juggle both of the boys. Liking one and trying to like the other. (little did I know they both had it out for me). Once I let go of boy #1 from the beginning of August, I decided to focus on boy #2 because to me “boy #1 was a want, boy #2 was a need” (sn: you don’t NEED anyone, especially not any of these boys). Everything was falsely perfect. He made it seem like he wanted me, nobody else, and God forbid if I was talking to another guy. November came and that dream started turning into a nightmare. He was still involved with his ex-girlfriend so his mom didn’t care for me she was team her. SN: the ex came over to his house twice trying to fight me. He made it seem like she was crazy so that’s what I went with.
Christmas break came and we were both back in our hometowns…
The entire time he was dealing with her but of course he was denying it like the typical immature boy who can’t confess to his shortcomings. My sister told me that God showed her a dream that this boy had given me herpes and knew about it. I asked him if he was dealing with anyone, he denied. Around the same time, my body began to go through changes. So bad that I passed out in a Kroger grocery store a few days before Christmas. He was unconcerned but I had just sent him a huge box full of necessities and snacks because he’d just had knee surgery and I wanted to show my support.
The spring semester begins with us at odds…
In January, I went to get tested. I was STD free but I had been given Bacterial Vaginosis which is a bacteria infection that can be transmitted by boys but boys cannot contract it. I had to be on antibiotics for a week. I asked him had he been with anyone else and he denied it. It was not until February that I found out that not only was he having sex with his ex girlfriend but he was also discussing my bacterial infection with her but denying EVERYTHING to me. He played with my life and I forgave him… This is a form of physical abuse. If someone to puts your health in danger knowingly, they do not love you.
HOWEVER, I DID NOT FORGIVE HIM WITHOUT F*%&**G EVERYTHING UP.
I was mortified when I found out the person I didn’t even like in the beginning, who I had grown to really like and love had a knife in my back the entire time. I found out because I went through his iPad (God gave me the pin lol). He had been dealing with so many girls the entire time. IRONICALLY, I WAS AT HIS HOUSE TO CLEAN HIS ROOM FOR HIM. It was already a mess so I just added to it. I wrote messages on pieces of paper like “Die you dirty dick bitch” (I have no shame, I was hurt) and spread them across the room then dropped his truck off THAT I HAD JUST PUT GAS IN WITH MY OWN MONEY to the football facility.
The fake apologies started coming in and I could only replay the good memories in my head. Each time I got angrier and angrier because all of these moments that I thought were special were actually fake. I had been living in a fantasy world but I’d awaken to a nightmare. So…. I went over to his house that night. I walked in the house, walked in the room with a bag, and picked up all of my things. Everything that I’d bought for him. Clothes, shoes, toiletries, accessories, etc. he just stood there looking stupid. Once I got to the door I was calm until he smiled… What the f*ck is so funny??????
I snapped. Went totally berserk. I poured the cleaning product THAT I BOUGHT FOR HIM all over his truck and broke the back windshield wiper off of the car. I did all of that to end up taking him back. His mom called me and apologized because she felt like she was the reason he’d been dealing with his ex girlfriend. (First of all, he is the one that made the mistake so he is the only one that needed to apologize. Secondly, my mom would never meddle into my relationship affairs. She’s too busy.) Apologies came because people felt bad about how they’d treated me. I cried so much and then depression started to kick in.
After the situation transpired, I stopped going to class (I still did my work though). It was too hard to even get out of the bed and function without crying or finding something to ease the pain. I’d also gotten hired at an organization on campus. I’d stopped going to work. I could not sit anywhere for longer than 30 minutes without feeling suffocated so I just slept and talked to boy #2. On February 28, I spent the night at his house and in the morning he was frustrated because he had woken up late for class. Once came back and saw I was still there he got angry. “Don’t go to class again and watch what happen” “Give me your schedule”. I just kept agreeing and saying “ok”. 10 minutes pass by and he snatched the covers off of me. Since I had just gotten a car, I jumped up and asked him if he wanted me to leave, he said yeah. I threw the remote his way, did not hit him;hit the wall. He jumped up and started pushing me by my back and my neck and calling me names. I was not even trying to stay in his house, I was leaving and he kept pushing. I kept warning. He kept pushing. Finally, I said “if you put your hands on me again I will put my hands on you”.. Guess what happened? I stabbed him in the face with my key. (SN: if someone makes you act this crazy, let them go.. this is abuse on both sides and we were both wrong). He called the police on me, they came to my dorm, I explained my side of the story and was advised to get a restraining order. After going to the police station, they told me that #1. me not going to class is my business & #2. he seems abusive and controlling and I deserve better. I apologized for my part while never receiving an apology. His mom told me her son wasn’t replaceable as if I’m not replaceable to my mother.
What did we do?
Take each other back…
By March, I had stopped caring. I cared but I was no longer letting him affect my daily decisions. I started back going to class the second week of March. I was late every day but at least I was there… My grades were good and getting better and I started back going to work. We were cool except for the time I found a pair of underwear on his floor that he tried to give to me as if they were mine. And the hair ties when I had short hair at the time…. but I looked past that (SN: Don’t look past that). I could lay in the bed next to him and he would be too consumed in his cell phone to notice me or say anything. I could be crying and he wouldn’t even notice, he would just roll over.
The end came in April
A few days before Easter, after having so many good times, he got mad because he had to buy a Plan B. As if I laid there myself and attempted to get myself pregnant. Mood-swings. He dropped it off to my job without even looking at me then left. I texted him and he replied late at night saying that he’d drove home. Dang we’ve been talking for 8 months and you can’t say bye or see you later? I JUST saw you and you had nothing to say? That was it for me. I knew exactly how unimportant I was to him. I had always known but I had accepted it in that moment. I blocked his number and unblocked all of the boys I blocked for him in the first place! Someone asked me to go to Chuck E. Cheese with them. Of course I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese! It was nice but I wish that the person that claimed to love me wanted to do things with me rather than taking my ideas and doing them with his friends. I deserved to enjoy my date.
Once he saw that I had gone out to eat, that’s when he wanted to talk to me or at least I thought. He knew I was done but he asked me to get drinks with him. I went. He asked who I went with. I said “this boy”. I asked him if I could get his keys to his truck because we were leaving and it was cold. He said no. I sat outside and waited on him… Back at his house, he got out the truck and walked in the house without even looking at me. I asked him where he was going and he said he’s going in the house. I was baffled. You brought me over here to do this? I wouldn’t let him leave without an explanation (that I never got). He just proceeded to tell me that he was going to take someone on a date for Easter Sunday and that he knew I was a player the entire time. A PLAYER???!!!! After all the bulls*** he put me through, I was the player for going on a date with somebody I didn’t even like. Lol
He went inside of the house and came back outside with a huge empty bottle that once had alcohol in it. I said “you must be about to hit me with that”. I still wanted answers so I followed him. After a while I stopped talking and just listened. When I followed behind him he would turn around and start pushing me, cornering me, telling me to get mad. I still stayed silent. Every time he left it was like my voice came back and I wanted answers but when he was there all I could do was just look at him. I couldn’t believe the person I’d shown constant forgiveness to was condemning me. I was still following him everywhere. I ended up staying over like a little weak girl but when I woke up, I remembered that we were over. He just got up and walked out without saying anything but “why you wanna know where I’m going”. He just didn’t care at all. He never did. I realized it in that moment. After doing some more crazy stuff due to my feelings, I contemplated doing more and decided that he wasn’t worth it. He’d already knowingly given me BV and called the police on me so he didn’t care about me at all. I blocked his number and allowed my tears to dry on their own.
In addition to that, a week later my “friends” were also no longer my friends. After talking to each female involved, I decided that there was way too much cattiness and drama for me to continue instilling my trust in them as I did before.
I was back at square one. New school, new area, no friends.
Ending the semester, I am proud to stay that I made a 3.0 GPA. Despite being too depressed and emotional to go to class, this girl still passed (SN: go to class!).
God brought me right back to where I belong, which is ALONE, to show me that I do not need anyone because He will sustain me. Struggles are temporary but GOD is forever. Thank Jesus that I do not look like what I have gone through this year. I will never go back to the same mistakes that I was meant to learn from and I pray I’ve learned my lessons.
I am claiming that my next academic school year at Mississippi State University will be nothing short of SUPERB in the name of Jesus!
Below are the top 3 lessons that I learned:
- When you put people before God, God will tear them out of your life in such a hurtful way that you would never even consider putting God second again.
- Don’t be crazy over a boy (or girl) that does not show the same eagerness about being crazy over you.
- Getting up and performing well everyday is hard, but remember that your degree is something that no one can take away from you! Go to class!
I hope you enjoyed this extremelyyyyy text heavy post! Let me know what you think!